C snapped me without me realising he was there, so this photo – and the accompanying “bitchy resting face” is totally candid!
Sitting in my sun-drenched garden, it feels like being on holiday. Writing this post beneath my parasol, I feel happy. The midday heat hugs my body and wraps my skin in a cocoon of warmth. At the same time, there’s an unusually cool breeze finding its way to brush my skin. It feels utterly delicious, and reminds me just how wonderful it can feel to truly inhabit my body.
Yet sadly, I must admit to not having felt so good in my skin this week. Instead I’ve resented my body, which I irrationally feel has let me down by gaining weight. Particularly in this heat, where the weather dictates dress-code, my body being literally exposed only magnifies my feeling self-conscious and sensitive about my appearance.
Ironically, deciding to relax around food and fitness is anxiety-provoking. My mind made an irrational link between my feeling vulnerable and working out. Uncharacteristically, I became increasingly nervous to where I made excuses to avoid going to the gym: the air-con might still be broken, the weather’s too nice to be indoors, I’ll go on my lunch-break tomorrow and head straight home tonight.
In a relatively short time, I found myself trapped in a cycle of anxiety-fuelled avoidance. By the time my – normally sacrosanct – Friday workout came around, I found myself not wanting to go. My anxiety had built to where I didn’t trust my own judgment around whether I genuinely needed a break from the gym, or if I was making excuses to myself to avoid confronting my body insecurities.
Suspecting my avoidance came from a place of fear, I decided to talk to people who know and love me. First speaking with my friend helped me get clear on why I felt funny about fitness, so I text C as the person who knows me best for his perspective. Knowing I wasn’t feeling quite right, C encouraged me to stick to my plan and go to the gym as usual. To seal the deal, he promised I could choose our Friday night take-out and offered me a ride home. I’m lucky I have people who love me enough to help me see my own truth, even when I’d rather not do so.
Butterflies flapping in my tummy, I nevertheless determined to act in spite of my emotions and do what I know to be in my own best interests. To get myself there, I had to promise I’d only do what felt good in the moment. This turned out to be a long walk on the treadmill under the air-con whilst reading the latest Elle. I may have cut short my usual routine by skipping my regular weight-lifting session.
Today just getting myself into the gym was a huge achievement. By doing what I wanted in that moment, and finding the mental strength to confront my fears, my anxiety lifted and I felt quietly proud.
Rather than focus on the size of my butt, I’m instead channelling my energies into creating a happy, healthy, and emotionally wealthy life. Last Summer, I may have had a notable thigh gap but this Summer, I’m excited because I’m hopeful for the future, whose value is worth so much more than weight.
From this position of emotional strength, I share what I’m thankful for over the past seven days.
This Week I’m Grateful for:
*Being able to host family visits. I’ve said this before, and it feels appropriate to state once again as this weekend I’m happy to have had family over. My Aunty, Uncle, cousin and children drove over to spend time with us today. The kids had a great time playing games on the grass after failing spectacularly at cornering our cats, who are way too quick to be caught!
We enjoyed burgers on the barbie, courtesy of C (and Chris Beech’s butchers), followed by ice creams – delicious! Talking later, we’re both reminded that a part of the reason we fell for this place is because it’s perfect for hosting, whether for an afternoon or a few days. Tomorrow C’s sister and her husband are staying with us whilst house-hunting, and I’ve invited my friend and her family over next weekend. Again, I’m thankful we can open our home – and hearts – to those we love; to make opportunities to get together.
*New Summer clothes for this unseasonably hot spell from Fat Face, H&M, and good ol’ M&S. I don’t like shopping – particularly at the moment – however I’m grateful I can afford to do so. I’m happy to have a couple of flattering new dresses, vests – and pants! – to survive the heatwave.
*Having stocked up on the sunscreen, what with the weather set for sun this coming week. Preferring to stay pale than risk burnt skin, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
*Accomplishing personal goals I made back in January. Over the past six months C and I have renovated our former home, successfully sold said home, and I’ve regularly written this blog for five months now. Opening my A3 sketchpad to see my post-it plans for the coming year reminds me how far I’ve come.
*Coming up with creative new ideas for work projects; namely, experimenting in the coming year with strategic use of social media and podcasting with my students. Not only do I have a genuine interest developing these relatively new marketing skills, as you’ll learn, I’m excited because I’ve found ways I can grow in my job.
*Kind words from friends and colleagues who’ve taken time to read my blog. Since sharing my writing publicly, I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve received. When I started this blog, I hoped to build connections with strangers whose interests and experiences align with mine. Not only has this proven to be the case, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised that my opening up here has helped bring me closer to people already in my life. It’s been wonderful thus far.
*Discovering a supportive online community of women. Specifically, being a member of the Psychologies Life Leap Club Facebook group (a closed group for subscribers oftheir brilliant magazine) has broadened my social circle and put me in touch with a plethora of intelligent, creative, and all-round wonderful women. On the recommendation of fellow Life Leapers, I’ve since become part of a couple of supportive groups for female entrepreneurs. Not yet venturing into my own business, just being around women who are killing it in business is so inspiring.
*Giving the Courage and Clarity podcast a try, on the advice of one of the aforementioned lovely ladies. I’m so glad I did, as from the get-go I’ve loved Steph Crowder‘s format, addressing both the courage (to follow one’s vision and passion) and the clarity (to plan and pursue success) needed to be successful in business.
“With a clear vision and a well-defined process, you CAN have meaningful work in your life.”
I’m making my way through the Courage and Clarity back-catalogue – and I’m learning so much! Clearly structured episodes, with Steph’s summary at the end of the interview, has proved super-helpful.
Thus far my favourite episode (10th) is entitled “Everything You Really Need to Know about Publishing a Book” with Cassandra Bodzak. Steph and Cassandra discussed not only the practicalities, like how to find an agent and secure a book publishing deal, but also the challenges of writing a book more broadly. Listening to this encouraged me to take seriously my own dreams of becoming a published author. Already having the creative inspiration to write my book, I’ve also a realistic idea of how I might go about making this come true.
Episode six with Claire Pelletreau, a Facebook Ads Consultant, was another notable listen for me. Speaking on a subject about which I know relatively little, Claire and Steph’s conversation had me musing over my own future strategies for using Facebook ads to promote my work. In particular, Claire’s suggestions for how one might maximise a minimal budget (of $40 per month) has sparked my curiosity enough to want to give it a shot. As Gary V often says, Facebook advertising is currently disproportionately under-priced, but this won’t last forever.
So intrigued was I by Claire’s approach to Facebook advertising that I plan to ask my employer for support in learning more at my upcoming appraisal. Not only for my personal interest and benefit, but for that of the organisation. I firmly believe by having a strategic understanding of how best to use this low-cost marketing tool, I can help us take advantage of this window of opportunity.
*Having read Gary Vaynerchuk‘s original book, entitled “Crush it!“. Though much has changed on the Internet since this book was written in 2009, the principles which underpin Gary’s approach to business remain as strong as ever:
“[T]rue success – financial, personal, and professional – lies above all in loving your family, working hard, and living your passion. In telling your story. In authenticity, hustle, and patience. In caring fierce about the big and small stuff. In valuing legacy over currency.”
Gary Vaynerchuk: “Crush it!” (p.134)
I’ve spent a lot of time with Gary (virtually, of course, but time nonetheless), and getting beyond his “shock-jock” public image, I’m humbled by his emotionally intelligent approach to doing business. His priority is always people, and technology is merely a means of creating value and serving others. A self-taught social media expert, Gary’s work has helped me figure out how to make genuine connections with like-minded people. Thanks to Gary, I’m no longer so reluctant to engage with social media, instead gaining a newfound appreciation of its value as a communication tool.
*Coming home to Geneen Roth by listening to “This Messy Magnificent Life“, her latest publication, on Audible this week. Borrowed from the small library held at my local eating disorder support group*, hers was the first book I ever read in the “self-help” genre. Hers was also the first “voice” that cut through my mental chatter and touched my heart. She understood me, and I’ve been dedicated to Geneen’s teachings ever since.
This is the first book of hers I’ve listened to before reading it in hard-copy, and thus far I’m enamoured. Spoken in the same eloquent, poetic manner as she writes, her familiar voice envelopes me like a warm hug. Once again her words remind me of what I already know to be true: essentially, I am so much more than my weight. Interestingly, rather than simply causing pain, my emotional issues around food provide a doorway through which I can gain greater self-knowledge and compassion.
My body-confidence wavering this past week proved perfect timing to return to Geneen’s work. Though I’ve heard her speak on women and weight many times, she never fails to move me. Once again I’m guilty of pursuing physical perfection despite knowing thinness doesn’t deliver happiness. Listening again to my longest-standing teacher talk on this topic, I’m grateful for coming home.
*Buying my own domain name. This past week I spent pennies to invest in my own virtual home on the net: projectheathered.com I’m a Dotcom! HeatherDuggan.com has already been bought (who knew there would be more than one of us?!), but this name feels more “me” somehow. I am my own educational project, working on becoming better and seeking to share this with others in creative ways. I kind of always have been this way, but it’s taken until now for me to be able to express who I am in words. Having my own place on the web where I can do this has cost me nearly nothing in monetary terms, yet means so much more! It’s truly exciting and feels like the start of something more.
*Having the confidence to take myself seriously in business terms. I’ve the seed of an idea (well, several seeds, technically) which I may be able to grow into a business. It’s exciting to think is might be possible to earn a living doing something I truly love. Particularly given my academic history, as a former business student, this whole thing feels rather exciting!
Never having seriously entertained the idea of entrepreneurship, t’s a whole new world that I’m only just starting to explore! I’ve thankfully found myself guided to become part of a couple of super-supportive, online communities of women. Other members’ success stories cannot fail to impress and inspire hope. Perhaps my passion projects could yield far greater results than I can presently imagine.
Putting my first-class honours where my mouth is, I’m applying my academic knowledge to explore my ideas further before I look to create business plans. At the same time, I’ve taken what I learnt from my month-long Role Model Challenge (for which I’ve a series of posts, starting here), seeking advice from new role models I’m meeting along the way. Thus far, I’m loving the positive, practical strategies put forth by Steph Crowder, Ruth Kudzi, and Angela Raspass, whose work on women in business resonates with me.
*Finding new ways of thinking about long-standing issues. Taking a slightly different angle, I’m also enjoying watching Lucy Sheridan‘s YouTube channel, who speaks from her perspective as a comparison coach. Not directly related to business, but having a huge impact on how confident we feel as women to step up and speak out, X takes a holistic approach to support us to step away from comparison so we can be our best selves. I especially like her style, both in terms of how she presents her ideas, and also how she presents herself; her pastel co-ords complimenting her dove-grey sofa, upon which is often seated her gorgeous, tawny-toned dog!
*Being brave enough to dream. In the past year, becoming better and building my mental fitness has allowed me to reclaim my lost ability to dream.
Looking ahead, feel hopeful, and making positive plans for the future is a precious gift.
It feels miraculous; magical, almost; the disparity between how I now feel and my former state, characterised as it was by depression and anxiety in turn. Mental illness robbed me of my imagination, and when it did permit me to dream, those dreams were mainly nightmares.
Aligning with the Universe (which I’m told always has my back) is creating opportunities to practise dreaming. Designing plans to renovate our home, exploring ideas around how to make money from my passions, and this – the writing process – in-and-of itself brings me masses of joy, happiness, and a huge dose of optimism. An unexpected gift from having mental ill-health is that of being unable to forget the feeling of having no conceivable future whatsoever.
Thankfully, my mindset has brought me to a place where I not only dare to dream, but to believe that they might come true. I don’t even have to try hard to trust in the possibility that something good might happen, because in many ways it already has. And on that happy note, I’ll sign off.
Have a wonderful week!
*I’d like to take this opportunity to say that if you’re also living within the South Yorkshire region and relate to my food issues, I cannot recommend SYEDA highly enough. I’m sure I’ll speak at length on this in future, but needless to say their help made a huge difference to my recovery. The support groups they run are affiliated with B-eat; the UK’s national eating disorder charity, and I believe similar groups are run across the country.