Saturday started early. Really freaking early. Like, four-am early.
After being rudely disturbed by the girl cat sneaking in for an undercover cuddle, I struggled to go back to sleep. I tried listening to an audio book (Ruby Wax’s “How to be Human: The Manual” to be exact) but nearly two hours later, I was no closer to nodding off. Becoming increasingly irritable and frustrated, just before six I decided to get up.
Generally-speaking, I quite like getting up early. I’m grateful for any bonus time to indulge in trash telly, so I settled in with my morning brew to binge-watch back-episodes of “Love Island“. Having already made plans for lunch at my friend D’s house, I hoped it’d wake me up and I’d feel brighter. Still, it doesn’t take much to elicit my “flight or fight” response, and so feeling “tired-but-wired” proved the perfect catalyst to trigger my anxiety.
With butterflies in my stomach, I began to doubt the wisdom of accepting D’s kind invitation. “You know, I might cancel my plans,” I said, tentatively testing my thoughts out on C. “I’m way too tired today, and I’m pretty sure she’ll have something better to do than see me…” Though technically talking to C, I was really telling myself a familiar tale; that my presence in other people’s lives doesn’t matter.
Rationally, of course I know this story isn’t true; it’s symptomatic of social anxiety. Believing that deep down I’m unimportant and insignificant, I sometimes cancel plans with people – even when I’m genuinely looking forward to them- in a misguided attempt to protect myself from potential pain.
However in saving myself, I’m sometimes unintentionally hurting other people’s feelings and so my actions are futile in the long-run. Frustratingly, even the temporary relief I experience by cancelling is soon replaced with guilt and regret. What’s more, looking back, I can now see how this faulty way of thinking has contributed to my losing friendships which had really mattered to me. It’s just not worth it.
Back to my story.
I waited for C to react to my provocation, but none was forthcoming. He’s got this incredibly irritating, “sixth-sense” ability to selectively ignore me when he senses it’s my anxiety talking. He doesn’t do overly-emotional, and when I’m on edge, I’m about as far from rational as one can get! Taking a more direct approach, I admitted my nervousness. “I’m shy,” I whined. “I don’t think I want to go…” Ever my rational half, C quite reasonably pointed out that when I was at my friend’s house I’d likely have a great time and would forget all about my worries.
Pointing out my angsty mindset, C planted the seeds of self-doubt so I decided to test out my hypothesis that I didn’t matter by texting my friend to confirm our plans. Almost instantly she replied to say she’d also been up early. She’d been running errands and was currently baking especially for my visit. This kind gesture truly touched me; making me feel special, my worries dissipated as D utterly disproved my theory. I matter enough to bake cake, and so, making my decision for me, of course I would go for lunch!
As predicted I did had a lovely afternoon. Immediately welcomed into my friend’s home by her children, they confidently showed me around and made me laugh. They were tons of fun and it was great to catch up with D away from the office. What’s more, she’d remembered my love of spiced cakes and made a delicious gingerbread and cream-cheese loaf. We had two slices each (it would have been rude not to, right?!) If I wasn’t already convinced that I’d made the right decision in acting in spite of my anxiety, this certainly confirmed it!
I share this example because this weekend typifies how anxiety occasionally shows up in my life. However instead of allowing it to take over and dictate my days, I’m taking this opportunity to reinforce my commitment to choose love over fear. Practising making this choice which still feels new to me is not always easy. It requires trusting that I matter; that my presence will always be valued by the people who love me, no matter what.
Rather than questioning my inherent worthiness of love from those who invite me into their lives, hearts, and homes, instead I’ve learnt to question my internal story. Turns out, this can’t be relied upon to be entirely truthful. Placing my trust in love – that of others and myself – is what proves my fears prove to be unfounded. For this life-lesson lesson, I’m truly thankful.
Having already proselytized on my appreciation for cake and good company, I’ve got plenty of other reasons to feel blessed that I’m excited to share!
This week I’m grateful for:
- My MacBook. I love it! So much so that I instinctively slapped the hand of the person who tried to touch its shiny screen! In all seriousness, being able to write with this much ease is life-changing! It’s a joy to sit here, working on my blog and connecting with readers via Facebook. I honestly adore how this beautiful writing tool (which is really what this is) makes me feel: Creative and inspired, I’m eager to pursue my passion projects. Investing in my MacBook shows I’m taking myself and my ambitions seriously. Subsequently, I’m finding myself taking my work more seriously, too. I’m embracing the feeling of professionalism by lovely new computer gives me, which I think I’d previously have played down. It’s exciting!
- Being brave and speaking out about mental health. Last Saturday I launched what I’ve called #SpeakUpSaturday on my Facebook page. Standing up and publically stating my personal politics is something to which I’ve given a lot of thought, so it was with a mixture of anxiety and excitement that pressed publish on my first #SpeakUpSaturday post this weekend. If I’m totally honest, I’m still a little concerned about whether this might have a potentially negative impact upon my future career prospects. Our world is one in which mental health isn’t accorded the same level of respect and seriousness as physical illnesses, and so standing up and admitting to being the “one in four” who’ll experience mental ill-health this year isn’t easy. Nevertheless, it feels right to use my voice to tell my story; it’s a personal risk I’m consciously taking because I believe that it’s only by being brave enough to go first that change will happen. Speaking my truth around mental health is how I aim to help reduce stigma. By opening up the conversation I hope to inspire confidence in others to speak with me. I feel genuinely proud of myself for acting in alignment with my values, and grateful that we live in a country where this openness is possible, as uncomfortable as it may still be.
- Having the encouragement and support of people whom I admire. As I’ve said many times on Facebook over the past few weeks, I’ve been blown away by the positive messages I’ve received since stepping forward to share more of my writing – and myself – with the world. I expected to find this challenging and rather nerve-wrecking, but it’s actually been a pleasure. A community of beautiful people – my friends, family, and people I’m yet to befriend but whose interests and passions align with my own – have rallied round in support of me and my work. I’m particularly grateful to have the editor of Psychologies, Suzy Walker (Greaves), reading my blog. It’s boosted my confidence no end to have such talented professionals paying even a modicum of attention to my writing. Having Suzy “like” my page in particular really touched my my heart. I value her opinion as the editor of my favourite magazine, so having her on-side cheering for me is a huge ego-boost!
- Finding a business role model in Gary Vaynerchuk. I’ve immersed myself in Gary’s online world this past week or so, having intially discovered his YouTube channel and subsequently subscribing to his podcast. In the past week I devoured his latest audio book, “Crushing It!“, in just a few days. I’m grateful for this as he’s inspired me to go all-in on social media, and I’m finding that by taking his advice I’m finding and connecting with my tribe. I love Gary V’s passionate delivery style and relentless high energy and drive, but unsurprisingly C can’t stand him! Totally turned off by his swearing, C finds his brash presentations obnoxious and gets cross when I play his content out loud. Luckily, I’ve got headphones and so I’ve invested another Audible credit in his previous book,”The Thank You Economy“, and I’m currently half-way through reading the paperback version of “Crush It!“. I seriously cannot get enough of the dude. He’s super-smart, straight-talking and generally awesome IMO. Check him out and let me know what you think.
- Speaking of awesome speakers (like what I did there?!), I’m thankful for having the opportunity to use my skills in presenting at our work conference this week. I’m so comfortable with standing in front of a group and ad-libbing now, it can feel rather surreal to be so relaxed about something which terrifies others. Generally prone to anxiety, it’s a blessed relief to have a skill about which I feel truly capable and confident. It feels flattering and exciting to be encouraged to use my speaking skills more frequently in my daily work.
- Getting into ITV’s latest series off their Summer romance-themed, reality TV show; Love Island. If you’re not in the U.K., then the best way I can describe this is it’s as if my ten-year-old self’s Barbie Dream House has been brought to life! The people in it are unreal; quite literally in the case of most contestants, but also in terms of their interactions with each other, which have all the realism and authenticity of their plastic counterparts. Catching up on the nightly goings-ons of these gorgeous people is my current guilty pleasure. Despite his distaste for all things trash telly, even C admits it’s not so bad, being more modern, light-hearted, and (dare I say) hopeful than previous reality “show du jour” Big Brother. You never know – I might make a junk TV convert of him yet!
- An excess of cake, right when I needed it (AKA on period week). Not only did I enjoy D’s baking, but another colleague brought in aptly-named Devil’s Food Cake, and this week has thus far been punctuated by baked goods as we’ve entertained conference guests. Quite literally taking the biscuit today, I scoffed two warm, gooey chocolate chip cookies and came home with a bag-full of tray bakes.
- My boy cat, D, developing his hunting skills. Whilst I don’t want them to actually catch anything (other than the odd fly), it’s so rewarding to watch my cats become better at… well… being cats. Copying his sister, D’s learnt to climb trees as a means of getting a closer look at the birds feeding next door. What’s more, it kept him out of the way when a young fox (the first I’ve seen myself in our garden) made an appearance on Saturday morning.
- My girl cat, C, finding her voice . As D is learning to become more “cat-like”, our girl cat, K, seems to becoming more communicative with us, her humans. She seems to have found her voice, often shouting to get what she wants – most often, the patio doors opening so she can come into the house way she prefers. K has also become decidedly more affectionate (hence her unreasonable demands for under-the-duvet kitty cuddles described earlier).
- Bearing witness to the Bird Breakfast Buffet. Opening the curtains in the morning, there’s often a queue at next door’s bird feeders. Regulars include a lone robin, a rather rotund wood pigeon, rainbow-hued finches, Mr and Mrs Blackbird, and a family of blue tits. Occasionally the whole business is disturbed by an acrobatic grey squirrel, hanging upside down and stealing their supplies.
- My Himalayan blue poppy settling in and blooming. Since being planted just over a week ago now, several of its flowers have blossomed. I’m so glad Heidi (as I’ve named her) has made herself at home. Easily the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen, I’m hopeful we can grow more next year, perhaps in other pastel shades too.
- Experiencing freedom around food. This week I took another step closer to feeling confident in eating intuitively. At various work events I shared meals and snacks with colleagues, rather than taking my own food. A seemingly small thing for most, this is actually a massive deal to me. Despite being in recovery for many years now, disordered eating – or more to the point, disordered thinking – still sometimes casts its shadow. Specifically, I find it hard to differentiate between what’s healthy and unhealthy behaviour. Having held myself to a rigid diet and fitness regime these past few years, I admit it’s had emotional consequences. For example, not fully enjoying impromptu decisions to eat out, impulsively logging every morsel of food or stroll in the park on my tracker, or even avoiding tasting samples at a farmers’ fair as all calories count. Unsurprisingly by “relaxing” my rules for eating and exercising, I’ve gained a few pounds. My abs are no longer on show and my body isn’t as firm as I’d like. This feels somewhat scary, but nowhere near as terrifying as I expected. I’m grateful to have risked relaxing my rules. Ironically, it’s only since letting go a little have I started to dare to trust my body’s hunger signals.
- Clothes that make me feel like myself. I wore my new Fat Face blue-striped sundress with my leather jacket and battered Converse to our work away day last Friday. I’d normally avoid wearing anything that might draw attention for fear of people looking and judging me (I know, I know – daft but true). However wearing something that felt so effortlessly “me” was so comfortable, I didn’t care. I got nothing but lovely compliments from colleagues, which is unsurprising as they’re all kind-hearted people. Best of all, I felt good in my skin which is something which I never take for granted.
- Discovering a hidden passion for gardening. I’ve spoken about this before in these TWIG posts, yet it takes me by surprise whenever I find myself wanting to be out working in my garden. Not what you’d call an “outdoorsy type” – which my Dad likes to point out on the phone when I mention my new hobby – I’m even enjoying scraping moss from the crazy-paving in the rain. Before moving it hadn’t dawned on me how much our outdoor space would mean to me. My newfound love of landscaping brings me to another level of happiness, and a gives me a renewed appreciation for the nature on my doorstep.
- Actually enjoying going on a walk. Again, not one for wandering without purpose, I surprised myself by genuinely having fun whilst taking a walk with C along the Rivelin Valley Nature Trail. Sometimes the prospect of walking “for fun” can trigger my anxiety, as getting even slightly out of breath can reminds me of having a panic attack. Forgetting that I’m now fit, healthy, and more than capable of a short stroll, I can turn myself off even trying to enjoy this kind of exercise. Going off the beaten track on Sunday, we found ourselves battling through lush green undergrowth, our shoes getting sucked into the boggy mud. We’d watched “Romancing the Stone” the night before and I felt like Kathleen Turner’s character, Joan, thrashing her way through the jungle! I even managed to find myself a Gandalf-style staff which I used to battle my way back to civilisation. Despite coming home with a couple of itchy nettle sting, I had tons of fun and so did C, who actually said he liked going for a walk with me – a true first for which we can be thankful!